Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
