I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize