Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
