I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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