remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
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