just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
