Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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