proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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