Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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