i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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