Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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