How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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