i already hear my dad disowning me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
