you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
