Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
