i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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