The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We left an ass print on the piano.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
