my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
They have beer where we have blood.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
