I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
