Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
