I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
