o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
