I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
