I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
