Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
