spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
