I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
