The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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