My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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