I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
