i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
They took my balls.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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