I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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