What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
