In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
