he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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