I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
well most of my day revolves around power hour
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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