I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize