it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
