you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
