PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
