i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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