I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
