i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
