Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
