my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
