How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
