Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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