so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Princesses don't give blow jobs
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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