Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
