dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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