I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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