she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
