i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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