Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
