Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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