just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
