you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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