I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize