She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
